jumpersforweasleys:

I do not love you, but I think that we should learn some things together.

1.

All at once 
In one person
I see everything
In everyone
that I have ever known.
An individual who is too conscious for comfortable social interactions.
Into his own mind and the reality he created for himself
he remains there
during every moment
of every day

Things are never the same, old friend.
Things will never be the same.  
Do you see?
These words written,
these words written by my hands
by you 
that you will not identify as your own? 

These are your words, my friend.
You ungrateful prick.
You sure do scream a lot
for a person who claims to have their head chopped off.  

2.

Somewhere lurking on the train tracks 
is the frail man that I married
jumping from one billion pounds of speeding metal
to the next
trying to gain some perspective
of where he should be
and who he is.
I worry about him every day,
but in a different way then it was before he left.
I believe sometimes that it is for the best.
That thrill was all that could ever keep him content.

3.
You only know as much as you can teach, mother fucker.
You are only as weak as how pathetic your biggest fear is. 

Make it something great, you know? If you are going to scream, then scream.  If you are going to sing, then sing.  If you are going to work out, then work the fuck out.  If you are going to be an artist, then make art.  
HEY,
IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE AN ARTIST
THEN MAKE ART.

If you want the world to chew you up,
and spit you out then keep on doing what you’re doing ladies, and gentlemen. 

I am sure you have plenty of a valid reason to hate the whole world and everyone on it,
but if you get a moment please ponder the thought that you can not hate yourself, or anyone else to death. Usually you can’t hate anyone else but yourself into an uncomfortable state. Or to anything for that matter. No one actually gives a shit how much you hate them, including yourself. If you have to pull it together to go buy fast food without sobbing to the machine while trying to place your order you can hold it together alone in your room when no one else is watching.

The bitch that you really hate? Yeah she actually does not know if you hate her at an 8, opposed to a 10 level.  Might as well save the energy. A little hatred is plenty, really. For yourself, and the people you vomit your haterade at all day. 

You might as well go find a way to have a good time.  It may not be easy to figure out what a good time is since everyone is a piece of shit, and anything besides laying in bed, eating, and sitting on a computer is just worthless, but thank goodness that whenever you do find something you like even ONE TINY THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD you can actually focus on all of that, entirely….IF YOU WANT TO.  Pick something else to think of when you want to sit around and feel bad for yourself.

I think of some crazy shit that is way too personal to share. However a suggestion for what to think about when all you can think about is how sad/mad you are is tea cup pigs and or baby sheep. Perhaps a washer and a dryer all in one. Or how convenient it would be if we could just jump really high and land where ever the fuck you wanted. If you still hate the world and everything in it you are fucked, and I am sorry but I did try to help. So you can not say no one has ever tried to help you. Because I am not typing this shit because I am about to forget it, I’ll tell you that much. 

OH, and IF YOU REALLY STILL ARE PISSED (ps.)

and you are reading this thinking of how inconsiderate and insensitive I am,
while wondering what the hell I am doing with my life to have time to bitch at the world via a tumblr blog about how disappointed I am to have become an adult to find out that as a child when I thought that all adults sucked and were absolutely full of shit I was right and it has only gotten worse. CONSIDER buying yourself a really warm coat and going the fuck outside and breathing in some fresh air. 

drink water constantly. sleep. eat. exercise. talk. express. debate. consider. 

Do some sweet shit. 
Just do it.
Quit thinking of how or what to do.

That is all.

Don’t you ever allow yourself to believe that you need a man, or anyone else to be strong for you.  You have intuition.  You feel it all, and naturally you react to your feelings.  Over the years you will learn to pick and chose the feelings you react to.  You must learn to react to only your own feelings. It becomes very easy to decipher what emotions are coming out of your core, as opposed to seeping in from your surroundings.  

First determine who’s feelings are who’s in any given situation.

Fear is the hardest feeling to recognize as your own.  It takes such a short amount of time for you to recognize fear for what it is, whether it be displayed through another person, or another animal.  Once you see fear you tend to share it.  To be afraid with a person does not take any of their fear away, only adds to the overall fear.  To avoid this you must see that when you are in a situation where the person next to you is in fear they have done you the favor.  Fear is already being taken care of at the moment, it is already being felt and now you have the opportunity to opt towards a different feeling, which will capture different emotions.  Which may be what gets yourself, and your afraid counterpart out of a sticky situation.

Weakness is the second feeling that is most difficult to tell the difference between being your own, and shared.   Weakness reveals itself in many forms, and it seeps.  Only to truly been seen after the damage is already done. The same rule applies little one, you must understand that another person has done you the favor of taking over that feeling, and emotion at that time.  There is no room, there is especially no need for you to feel weak.  It is your job to counteract that weakness.  You can not conform to a person in a hopeless state of mind, you can not feed to their defeat.  You must be strong for yourself, and while balancing this all out by recognizing that you must be strong because of this evident weakness you have begun to introduce these ways to the next person.  

Take in your surroundings.  The people around you. Their faces, their tones, the overall sound of the breathing in whatever room you are in.  The pace of everyones movement. The tapping, the sighing, the yawning, the laughing.  Think of all of the possibilities.  You can not point to someone and tell them their weakness, but if you see weakness in a person it is because you recognize it from yourself.  You have known that weakness before to be able to see it so clearly for yourself in another person.  All you can do is be strong.  You can not admit to past defeat, you can not show the flicker in your eyes that shows any type of understanding.  You are not weak now, you are not sorry for any person who is weak. It is allowing yourself to only have positive feelings towards others.  Because little one, you can not actually help anyone.  You can only teach people how to help themselves.  
So, If someone is telling you of their short comings, their fear of the future, their sorrows of the past, you pay attention to them.  Take in their words and listen and become a sponge, because they need it.  Do not compare yourself, do not compare your experiences, and your short comings and your fears.  Tell your friend that you are sure that they will get through it.  Show strength. 

And focus on the moment, show the ones in fear the moment, show the weak the moment.  

If this world is so corrupt, and you are either going to expire eventually or suddenly then really all you have to show for yourself in this life is how you felt.  Really all you have to offer to others is how you feel.  Displaying it through your personality, through you choice of style, choice of diet, choice of words, choice of direction, choice of today, choice of right now.   If you push yourself to control your feelings, and decipher the important ones you will radiate  beauty and you will leave a mark on this world, and the ones that you have loved. 

Because all of the people that have ever loved you have only ever wanted one thing from you and for you, and that is for you to be happy.  To feel genuinely good.  That is how you know a person loves you, when you know that that is all that they want from you as an individual.  Only you can make yourself feel genuinely good, and that truly is the best way to show your appreciation for those you love.  Show them happiness, and hope it spreads.  

Treat depression like its the common cold.  Build an immunity. Prepare for it.  Stay away from it when it is severe.  Protect yourself from it when you are exposed.  Understand it.  Fight it.  Offer what you can to those who you know that catch it. Find a remedy. 

I do not believe that time heals all, or anything at all really.  I know that this time one year ago was a very difficult time in my life.  This new year has begun with its fair share of challenges, or struggles depending on what type of mood I am in. When things seem difficult, tedious, or agitating and those familiar feelings of frustration start to consume me I usually get a frightening glimpse into the past that never fails to remind me to keep my head up.  

Remember friends, 
There is not a damn thing that you can do to get your childhood back. It is gone, you can cry about the fact that your parents drank and you had to make your own sandwiches at an early age, but clearly you survived the struggles of your up bringing and hating your family and your life because you did not get sufficient Disney world trips, and the fact that your parents ruined your life by grounding you for being a mopey bright eyes fan with a desire to have a drug addiction is not going to go back in time and change history.  

Everyone that you know who has died will remain dead, and I am not sure if it is possible to ever stop wondering why some people are dead and some people are not.
Whatever an individual needs to do to cope with the loss of a loved one is up to the individual.  I personally cried for three months, took copious amounts of xanex, contemplated murdering the most annoying person I knew at the time, cut off all of my friends, and family…Eventually I got to the point where I could process this fraction of a thought.

“Potter would be so disappointed in me if he saw me acting like this.”

which was followed by

“but it does not matter because he is dead and he probably can not see shit, and if he does most likely does not give a fuck and is consumed with whatever dead people do with their time”

(I am one of those “spiritual” types that does not believe in… anything really.)

BUT THEN ALAS

my brain came to, and supplied one last life changing thought.

My friend is dead, like a number of my family members and a couple of acquaintances as well.  There is nothing I can do to change this, only various ways to cope with it.  I have other friends, and family, and a shit ton of acquaintances.  At any moment any one I know, including myself could kick the bucket.  If that were to happen I would like to be able to cry for a good fucking reason. Not because of overwhelming feelings of guilt forwarding because I treated a great person less then they should have been treated and now they are dead. If you love someone make sure they know it. When someone dies it is okay to cry because it is a foreign feeling.  It is unfamiliar emotion, that affects people on an individual scale.  There is nothing wrong with anything that comes of it.  But while crying about one person, and hating the world about one loss please remember the people left in the world that do love you, that you do love.  It is not always death that kills friendships, or family.  With the experience of losing someone you love, you will learn hold on to the ones that are left.  

All you have at the end of the night is the back of your own eye lids.  
You have your own mind, your own thoughts to explore.

All you have left is the rest of your life, whatever that is
The only people you have left is the rest of your friends, and family if they are good enough for your happiness and motivation towards living. 

Please take the time to consider the fact that the world is not shitting on you, and the universe is not out to get you.  I know that it can be complicated sometimes.  I only wish to help the people I love recognize the value of themselves. Once everyone starts treating themselves like the gold that they are willing to treat their new found fling we will all be much better off.  So before you go trying to impress anyone, impress yourself.